we're perfectly weird.

safe.

When I think about him, the word 'safe' comes into mind. I could never have seen this coming for I thought being with him was like standing on the edge of a cliff, just waiting to fall. And now it turns out, he's just safe. No one has ever made me this comfortable around him. Not a guy, I mean.

So perhaps that is what made me say those stupid stupid things. I took him for granted. I thought I could cut off this thing we had. The truth is, the problem isn't in him, it is in me. It is not him who does not want anything more, it was me who was afraid of any attachment. I know damn well that being in a relationship that is more than just friendship, hurts--it is inevitable--and so I thought that it would do us both best if I walked away. No party hurt. It was over before it even started. That sounded quick and easy. And apparently very appealing. Being the absolute pompous fool that I am, I told him that I wanted some distance. I thought, why not? It is better this way. I thought, when the word 'romance' is inserted into an equation, it would just make everything complicated. I thought I did not need a mess. Because it is believed that all high school romance end tragically, eventually. Point is, I thought, WHY BOTHER? Why start something that is just bound to end? Destined to fail.

Easier said than done. Obviously. I was just too foolish to notice that. We ended up having a pretty tensed conversation. More or less, a fight. It is only then, when we were on the very edge of the cliff, that I realized I could not do it. I wanted to take my words back. I just couldn't let everything end before it even started. They say you only realize what you have after you've lost it. Fortunately, I had not lost it. Yet. Though nearly.

It's almost 2 AM in the morning, and all I can think of is this: Why do I always ruin the good things in my life? Why do I tend to break the better part of my miserable life?

I want nothing, I expect nothing, only this: I want us to be like how we were a few hours ago. Will you wink at me after today? Will you call me late at night just to talk about silly things? Will  you look for me or will I be the one pursuing after you now?

I do not care what the future holds. Who am I to say something is doomed? I am not God, not the game maker, only a pawn in this big chessboard.

I like him. Especially the way he handles things with me, a girl crazier than the craziest of girls. ;D

for it is too precious.

Believe me when I say this is for the best.

It dawned on me just recently that some things just stay no matter what you do and how hard you try to diminish them from your life. They come uninvited and unexpected, you just couldn't read the signs. No such thing as waiting for them in trepidation or fearful apprehension. There are no symptoms. Like cancer. How you welcome them in your life depends on you alone, whether you open your arms and embrace them or you push them away with all your strength. I could not have foreseen this. If only I had the ability to. If only we all had, right?

See it this way: You are walking down a maze and each turn is a leap of hope. You don't know what's lurking behind the next corner--is it a booby trap, is there a lion?--but your feet make the steps anyway. Your head is clouded by the relentless dread that there is a flimsy chance that you might not leave the maze in one piece. Nevertheless, you walk. You walk and walk, knowing there's also an equally thin sliver of hope, of chance, of luck, that you might actually make it out there. You think you would rather die trying than die waiting. That's what you think. Yes, you are right in some ways. But what if there is no way out? What if the twists and turns do not have any booby traps but this whole maze is the ultimate trap? Would you even have started walking if such possibility exists?

At the end of the day, this is my question. It is always the last thought. What if we're all just heading to a brick wall with no token at the end of the path?

take a picture of us.

HAH! I have finally found it! the perfect synonym! *random*

Chuck Bass. It's unsettling how two people--one fiction and one real--can be so similar to each other. If so, can I be Blair?

My favorite scene! <3

perhaps, perhaps.

This is a list of perhaps'es I've jotted down mentally:

1. I miss my old school
2. my eyesight has become worse
3. i've forgotten how to relax
4. i like my school now (perhaps only, don't push it)
5. i dance like crap (perhaps i'm sure of that)
6. i'm too enthusiastic about dancing
7. i miss dancing with my girls
8. i miss watching the boys dance their asses off while simultaneously mopping the floor with their head/hair
9. i miss Ms. Rachel and her biology class *wow that is random*
10. i want to go back to the times we'd bicker about small stupid things during classes. 
11. i need some carbs in my system
12. i'll fail my physics test
13. i should study now, not blogging
14. I MISS EVERYTHING ABOUT MY OLD SCHOOL, EVEN THE RESTROOMS! (actually ESPECIALLY the restrooms)
15. I've lost my passion for books and writing things.
16. i should listen to my friends' advice
17. the word doesn't appeal to me as it did before.
18. everything is just a game, a phase, and that everything will eventually subside and drown into the bleak state of emptiness and nothingness
19. we will all fade to oblivion
20. you've misunderstood your own feelings
21. we only 'click', like good friends do. 
22. the place we're in is the best place to be.
23. i think too much
24. i might be right 
25. i might be wrong
26. i wouldn't want it any other way
27. i've changed my mind. 
28. i'm kidding about the previous number (PERHAPS *wink*)
29. i am happy and contented with life as it is now :)

93 Million Miles.

I think we need 93 million miles away from each other for the moment.

I don't know how to tell you this, but being with you is like standing on a slippery slope without a grip on a n y t h i n g. A precarious ladder. Just waiting for the ground to sift underneath my feet. Just dangerous and risky. I don't know how far the fall might be, but is it healthy for me to say 'I don't care'?
You're like a roller coaster ride itself, a very thrilling one.

fix you up.

I don't know how to put this into words. But I'll try, since he did as well.

Life is just a funny thing. Remember the quote "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you gonna get" from the film Forrest Gump? I have always known that life works in its own mysterious ways. What you expect might not be what you get. So I tend to expect the worst of things to shield myself from the merciless twists and turns--through experience, people just get wiser and wiser, you know? In my case, yes, the bumps and cracks along the road have molded me into a wiser person, one who cocoons herself from the worst storms of life, but doesn't that also make one a coward? I have never realized that until I got to know him better. 

Truth to be told, I have known him for a year now. It feels like ages ago when I bumped into him outside that classroom one day. He succeeded to catch my attention because he was *or is* just.. different. I could not find a better word than 'different' because often, simple words are just more apt in describing the more perplexing 'phenomena' of the world. For me, he was and is just an entirely different species. Although it pains me to know that he has only known of my existence only recently, I do not regret how I have been enthralled by him since that day.

He has trust issues. The guy has MAJOR trust issues. Like, seriously, how do you get people to trust you if you don't even trust yourself? He doesn't even try because he just KNOWS he is doomed, condemned to a life of being a 'disappointment' to those besieging him. Yeah, he may be freaking out as he is reading these bold statements from me, but hey, I'm just being honest. A trait clearly liked by the guy (ironic). So it did bemuse me, how on earth does a guy who admits he is NOT to be trusted gains my trust so creepily easily? Seriously, despite my doubts and fears at first of the guy, I find myself trusting him. Completely. 

It's late, and my head's pretty cloudy. I have a lot more in my mind, but I just can't seem to construct any more proper sentences. 

To end this:

Dear somebody,

I trust you even if you deny yourself that luxury. 

And about that thing you said, the fear of the possibility that you might be harmful to me (psht. right. as if), finish reading the book I lent you, and I'll tell you my favorite quote--the one I told you about--which I hope might just change your mind and cast away that fear.
And I will wait. Like you are. Because we can never know where this might go. It may lead to nowhere. But I don't mind anymore because I trust you and therefore, all the insecurities, all my fears are just.......vanquished!

the girl you despised once upon a time. =D

pieces by pieces.

i used to only have no. 3 as a problem..........
now that one is outta the equation but am currently welcoming 3 new numbers--which is kinda a secret. ha.

similar much?

does anyone else think this song really, like.. REALLY, reminds you of The Phantom of the Opera?

(50 Ways to Say Goodbye by Train)