safe.

When I think about him, the word 'safe' comes into mind. I could never have seen this coming for I thought being with him was like standing on the edge of a cliff, just waiting to fall. And now it turns out, he's just safe. No one has ever made me this comfortable around him. Not a guy, I mean.

So perhaps that is what made me say those stupid stupid things. I took him for granted. I thought I could cut off this thing we had. The truth is, the problem isn't in him, it is in me. It is not him who does not want anything more, it was me who was afraid of any attachment. I know damn well that being in a relationship that is more than just friendship, hurts--it is inevitable--and so I thought that it would do us both best if I walked away. No party hurt. It was over before it even started. That sounded quick and easy. And apparently very appealing. Being the absolute pompous fool that I am, I told him that I wanted some distance. I thought, why not? It is better this way. I thought, when the word 'romance' is inserted into an equation, it would just make everything complicated. I thought I did not need a mess. Because it is believed that all high school romance end tragically, eventually. Point is, I thought, WHY BOTHER? Why start something that is just bound to end? Destined to fail.

Easier said than done. Obviously. I was just too foolish to notice that. We ended up having a pretty tensed conversation. More or less, a fight. It is only then, when we were on the very edge of the cliff, that I realized I could not do it. I wanted to take my words back. I just couldn't let everything end before it even started. They say you only realize what you have after you've lost it. Fortunately, I had not lost it. Yet. Though nearly.

It's almost 2 AM in the morning, and all I can think of is this: Why do I always ruin the good things in my life? Why do I tend to break the better part of my miserable life?

I want nothing, I expect nothing, only this: I want us to be like how we were a few hours ago. Will you wink at me after today? Will you call me late at night just to talk about silly things? Will  you look for me or will I be the one pursuing after you now?

I do not care what the future holds. Who am I to say something is doomed? I am not God, not the game maker, only a pawn in this big chessboard.

I like him. Especially the way he handles things with me, a girl crazier than the craziest of girls. ;D